If you were to observe the bed in which Dollface and I nightly rest our weary bodies, you would see that it is perfectly situated between two street-facing windows. What you might not be able to see without peering behind the sleigh-style headboard are our two silent guardians, frightening away unquiet spirits, warding off ill will, protecting us from prying eyes. Our Pretender Gargoyles!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, Pretenders were a completely idiotic concept introduced in 1988 for reasons that escape me. In short, the gimmick is that there are tiny Autobots and Decepticons inside these organic-looking outer shells. They're in disguise, see? No one would ever suspect that a giant bipedal iguana-man, or a giant insect-man, or even a 20-foot tall human in a space suit were actually Transformers! In reality, the shells are stupid-looking, the little robots inside suffer from extremely poor articulation and often do not really resemble any kind of actual vehicle at all, and no humans were ever deceived by the giant iguana-man. So in general, I don't collect Pretenders. However, we return to the two mystery-bots that stand vigil while we sleep...
Guarding the Eastern front, Doll's grotesque gatekeeper comes in the form of Bomb-Burst. Tech-spec'd as a "vicious, vile automated vampire," this lunatic won her kitschy affection from the moment she laid eyes on a photo of him. So preposterous, so un-Transformer-like, she begged me to recruit him into our growing legions. So when at Cybercon, while reaching into a dark and dank "figures for parts" box, after narrowly avoiding his probing fangs as they sought purchase in my flesh, I resolved to capture him for our household. Cheaply.
And while Bomb-Burst watches the East, my reciprocal sentinel overseeing the Western front is Octopunch, the so-called "terror of the deep." As a fan of crabs and Transformers, I was obliged to acquire the only Generation One crab that was ever made. He doesn't look like a crab, you say. Ah, it's the tiny robot inside that becomes one! Octopunch the Crab rests comfortably and confidently amidst the rest of my collection, but Octopunch the Creature With The Octopus Arms In An Old-Style Deep-Sea Diving Outfit With The Harpoon Gun Thing steadfastly protects my side of the bed from unwelcome guests.
I call them gargoyles because that's the commonplace convention, but it turns out that historically something is only called a gargoyle if it's actually a water-spout. Honest. The name itself is derived from the words pertaining to the throat and the gurgling sound of water. In reality, since neither of my Pretenders are serving as water spouts — which is probably for the best — they are technically each an example of a chimera.
But let's stick with Pretender Gargoyles. Anything to help improve their coolness factor.